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Sunday, September 03, 2006


Meet Captain Andrew Bumblemonkey

Last week my wife and I performed a sketch on Sunday morning to promote our Wednesday nights kids program (Faith Weaver Friends from Group Publishing). It was a pretty zany sketch for Sunday, but it ended up working pretty well.

Here's the pitch: a Bible school teacher refuses to let a pirate help teach the kids, so he takes her captive.

The adults thought it was cute. And, of course, it was great fun for me to wear a huge Captain Hook hat and yell "ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!" But we knew it was a success when we heard this story.

At the end, I put a rope around the teacher's hands and lead her off to captivity. One five-year-old girl asked her mother, very seriously, "Mommy, is she going to be okay?" The mom explained that we were just pretending. Then she added, "But you should go to Bible class on Wednesday just to make sure."

Heh heh heh.

Here's the entire sketch. It works to promote just about anything, though we worked in some references to their theme of study so the sketch was more than pure Monty Python. Feel free to use the sketch at your church, but please see my two stipulations.

Bible Study Promotion (with Pirates)

Teacher: Good morning. Parents and kids, you’ve probably noticed that summer is ending. Labor Day’s around the corner. School’s starting again. And you know what that means. FW Friends on Wednesday nights at First Baptist! Starting this Wednesday at 6:30. There’ll be games and snacks and projects, music and memory and surprises. Best of all, we’re going to learn about God’s chosen people—how God saved Israel out of captivity and gave them the ten commandments and brought them to the promised land…

Bumblemonkey: (entering) Arrrrgggghh!

Teacher: Um. Who are you?

Bumblemonkey: (bowing) I be Captain Andrew Bumblemonkey, the scurviest old coat did e’er sail a yawl up the Guadaloop.

Teacher: Captain Andrew Bumblemonkey?

Bumblemonkey: Aye.

Teacher: I see. Well, Captain Andrew—

Bumblemonkey: Bumblemonkey.

Teacher: Right. I’m trying to make an announcement here…

Bumblemonkey: About the FW Friends, I know, Ma’am. That’s why I’m here. To be educatin’ the young sprogs. To go on account with the Jack o’ Coins. To sign me X, and join yer crew.

Teacher: (to the audience) Oh, that’s a good point. We always need more adults to help teach the children.

Bumblemonkey: (to the audience knowingly) Savvy?

Teacher: But, Mr.—

Bumblemonkey: Captain

Teacher: Bumblemonkey. You really think you’re the best role model? (stage whisper) Aren’t you a bit over the top.

Bumblemonkey: This here personas fer the kiddies, Ma’am.

Teacher: It’s a little brash for Sunday morning.

Bumblemonkey: Thank ye, kindly.

Teacher: In fact, it’s a little brash for Wednesday. The story of Exodus is exciting enough on its own. God performs some of his greatest miracles and Moses is one of the greatest leaders in the bible. (Bumblemonkey says “aye, aye” throughout). We don’t need some ridiculous pirate.

Bumblemonkey: (hurt and surprised) Drivelswigger! I’m an old coat stripey of the sweet trade!

Teacher: I think it’s best if you didn’t help.

(Bumblemonkey walks away sadly)

Teacher: Like I was saying. This Wednesday at 6:30 is our kick-off event for FW Friends. We’re going to learn about the Israelites and how God led them out of captivity.

Bumblemonkey: Arrrrggghhh! Captivity, say ye?

Teacher: You were supposed to leave.

Bumblemonkey: But I didn’t, ma’am. I’m a commandeering this here event. Takin’ ye captive—like yer story’s about.

Teacher: No, no. It’s the Israelites who were captive. But God set them free.

Bumblemonkey: Aye, aye. (removing his hat and speaking with reverence) He’s a great, grand Creator, and that’s no lie. But now it’s you who’s captive, by the hand and hook of Captain Andrew Bumblemonkey! (He starts to take her away.)

Teacher: (to the audience) I apologize for this.

Bumblemonkey: Come with me, Ma’am—and you, kiddies—if you want ter see the loverly lady again—tell yer parents to bring you e’ery Wednesday night at 6:30 for FW Friends! See yer bulletins for more information (pronounce “informahsheon”). Arrrggghhhh!

Translation of Captain Andrew Bumblemonkey’s Pirate Speak from "How to Speak Pirate":
Drivelswigger: nonsense
Jack o' Coins: the paymaster
Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
Savvy: you understand?
Old coat: a veteran sailor (see "stripey")
Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
Stripey: long-service able seaman (named for the many stripes on his sleeves, indicating an "old coat")
Sweet trade: the career of piracy
Yawl: four-oared ship's boat or small sailing boat

HillCountryWriter Category: Drama
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